Read how to keep sparkly emo vampires off your lawn by Mike Cooley Online


Back in the day, we never had a problem with these pesky sparkly vampires. Oh, we would get an occasional deer in the yard, or a squirrel, or even a raccoon, but never vampires. It was a peaceful, quiet little town in the Pacific Northwest called Spoon. We never caused anyone any trouble and they left us well enough alone. But those days are gone. Now these emo vampires arBack in the day, we never had a problem with these pesky sparkly vampires. Oh, we would get an occasional deer in the yard, or a squirrel, or even a raccoon, but never vampires. It was a peaceful, quiet little town in the Pacific Northwest called Spoon. We never caused anyone any trouble and they left us well enough alone. But those days are gone. Now these emo vampires are everywhere. Not to mention those dang waxing werewolves. It’s getting to the point where you can’t even have a beer in the backyard without some blood sucking freak moping about....

Title : how to keep sparkly emo vampires off your lawn
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 11832703
Format Type : Kindle Edition
Number of Pages : 24 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

how to keep sparkly emo vampires off your lawn Reviews

  • Shambhawi P.
    2019-04-17 11:35

    No rating.I wouldn't know whether to give this book 1 stars or 5! It was possibly the dumbest, stupidest and funniest book I have ever read.Down with the Sparklies!

  • Sheri Kendall
    2019-04-15 11:40

    FunnyI laughed. I cried. I showed more emotion during this quick read than any of the crappy actors did in all of those movies.

  • Mandy White
    2019-04-19 11:21

    This story was the most fun I've had in a long time. A hilarious and cleverly written parody of...well, if you don't know what it is a parody of, then you won't get the story. It is told from the perspective of an old-timer from a small Pacific Northwestern town called Spoon who has a problem with unwanted loiterers on his lawn. These sparkly intruders have, for some reason, chosen his lawn to stand around brooding and trying to look cool. Then the clumsy girl who trips over everything shows up, followed by a bunch of waxed were-things. How does he finally get rid of them? Well, just buy the dang book already and find out!Whether you're a twi-hard, or a twi-not, this is a really fun read!

  • **✿❀ Maki ❀✿**
    2019-03-23 12:34

    I was actually trying to find a book I had read back in 2006, by Googling variations of "fantasy book with a guy with a cursed sword, and an old man and his lawn", but saw this and couldn't pass it up. Especially since I was able to read it for free here.(If anyone has any ideas about the book I was trying to find, by any chance, I'd appreciate suggestions!)The short story pokes fun at Twilight - there are brooding vampires who are almost nothing like traditional vampires, clumsy girls who trip going up and down stairs, and were-dogs you can't keep clothed. And all the protagonist wants is for those damn sparklies to get off his lawn...and maybe get relationship counseling.

  • Paulette
    2019-03-30 10:33

    This is a funny, very quick read that perfectly spoofs the Twilight series. You'll finish it in 10 minutes, but chuckle the whole time. Imagine an old curmudgeon, stereotypically trying to keep annoying kids off his lawn, but those kids are brooding vampires and preening werewolves. He tries all manner of defenses (like blasting Kenny G), resorting to importing Dracula himself, all to no avail. Until he finally bends the ear of the originator of the silly popular tales...then new problems arrive.

  • Jess(ToTheMoonAndBackReviews)
    2019-03-21 14:13

    I stumbled on this book by accident. My head was throbbing and sleep was useless, something that often occurs when I am extremely sick. I couldn't have asked for a better story to pick up my mood. I found myself smiling through the whole story and even laughing out loud at one point.This spoof is a really great read, one that I even recommended to my fiance, a man who won't touch a book with a ten foot pole , and after a short summary of it, he is even looking foreward to reading it.

  • Pam
    2019-04-14 13:20

    I read the other reviews and knew I had to read this. Any book vampire or other wise that makes you laugh out loud is a must read.I noticed I could read it on I did.I was laughing and chuckling so much that I wound up having to read the book out loud for an audience. Thank goodness it is a short book. My 80 year old man voice wouldn't have lasted through a long one.Do yourself a favor and read this. Mike Cooley has a great take on the Twilight series and all those undead who don't know how to properly behave.

  • Kitty
    2019-04-09 09:36

    This is a really short, quick read - you can finish it in one sitting. And that's probably a good thing - a little goes a long way. It's just a parody of the Twilight series (which is pretty obvious from the title). There were a couple of funny lines. I think you do have to be at least a little familiar with the original series to "get it". I got a couple of chuckles from it. Had it been any longer, I doubt I would have finished it, but for a quick laugh, it wasn't too bad.

  • Tanya
    2019-04-13 10:12

    A light read. If you're getting tired of those sparkly vampires from TWILIGHT, this parody might make you laugh. The ending was great, which wrapped everything up pretty well.However, the tone of this story and the narrator's voice didn't match. I had no idea the narrator was an 80 years old until he mentioned his age, and it was hard to comprehend the events from the narrator's point of view.

  • Alisa
    2019-03-21 15:18

    Giggled all the way through it, and the bonus story at the back. And I seriously needed a giggle. Though what was a weensy bit frightening about this parody was how faithful the details were to the original source material -- which means the author had to have read all the books and possibly seen at least one of the movies. Eek. Guilty pleasure all around.

  • Brian Bigelow
    2019-03-23 17:14

    When it comes to a good laugh this guy doesn't disappoint. Cracked up the whole time I was reading. The Powerpoint Zombie story at the end was a nice addition.On a more serious note, I did find out why I couldn't keep the sparkly blood suckers out. It was a good thing too, I was running out of broom and tool handles to make stakes out of. They're getting expensive too.

  • Mireille Chester
    2019-04-01 16:34

    This story was so funny. If you liked Twilight, you'll either love this because you have a sense of humor, or you'll hate it because it makes fun of the characters and you're one of those people that gets very attached to fictional beings. :D My favorite part? When Donna falls up AND down the stairs!

  • Deborah Prestwood
    2019-04-19 11:31

    A sparkly little spoof of the Twilight Series, Mike Cooley's book captivated my attention with the title. The story about an elderly gentleman trying to keep the undead and immortals off his lawn had me laughting out loud throughout the tale. Highly recommended if you need a book to lighten your day!

  • Mama K
    2019-04-03 09:19

    this short story was ridiculous, inane, silly.....and absolutely HILARIOUS. Pokes great fun at the rabid literary infiltration of "loving" vampires. It was about a 20 or so minute read, and it was FREE on my Kindle. LOVED it.

  • Kilian Metcalf
    2019-04-18 16:25

    This was a fun send up of a certain vampire/werewolf series beloved by teens. Hint: garlic and holy water are no help. There is a bonus feature pier about protecting yourselves from Powerpoint zombies.

  • Killer Queen
    2019-04-17 13:41

    This story was was funny, but also a little weird. I know he was making fun of Twilight in the first part of the book, but where did the zombies come from in his extra story? It's a silly story and I think people like me would enjoy it, but don't go out of your way to get it.

  • Aaronichi
    2019-03-24 14:31

    A nice satiric romp of Twilight hate at a glance. Once I got into it though, it reminded me of I Am Legend in the way the protagonist was pitted against his world. The bonus story was great as well.

  • Heather S.
    2019-03-28 17:33

    I'm amused at the parody but the voice of narrator didn't match at. all!!! He claims to be 80 yet says dude and is creepy!! The most amusing parts were Spoons and Woodward. The rest was pretty lame which was disappointing since there was a lot that could have been done with this premise.

  • Nik
    2019-04-09 12:14

    Fast read. To the point. Hilariously snarky. A fun, quick parody I got for my Kindle at a cheap price. The things this old fella did to get rid of the sparklers and waxers was amusing. He wins in the end...almost.

  • Kimberly Turnmire
    2019-04-15 17:19

    It was mildly entertaining, but the last chapter was awkwardly worded and I had to read it a couple times before I "got" what was going on.

  • Sandra
    2019-04-09 12:38

    Very funny shortie parody of those sparklie vamps.

  • Shannon
    2019-03-22 15:40

    Crap. Deleted it after about Chapter 5.

  • Bobby Hitt
    2019-03-29 16:16

    This was a quick, fun read. Having not read the books or seen the films being parodied, I probably missed a few of the references, but I was amused throughout regardless.

  • Wendy Whiting
    2019-04-16 14:31

    some cussing but funny because I am not a twilight fan.

  • Stacy
    2019-03-29 17:27


  • Tanya Swann
    2019-03-31 13:40

    Funny quick read. Perfect for a short flight.

  • Stacy
    2019-03-29 14:12

    This was a humorous satire that I got for free on my Kindle. It was a bit short, though.

  • Lynne Bridges
    2019-04-08 10:38

    This was a light read with not too many details but it was entertaining. It is told from an 80 year old mans perspective who has crazy emo vampires attacking his lawn in Spoon, WA. Read it.

  • Femaleangelus
    2019-03-25 15:37

    Not as funny as I thought it would be but a enjoyable read none the less

  • Tami Winbush
    2019-04-10 10:17

    I enjoyed the book, even with a few editing errors and typos. Funny quick read. I didn't judge this book by its cover but by its title!!